An Open Letter to the Alders from Bob Earl

Dear Sherry and Curry,
I have to be honest, even though I made all the proper sounding polite noises, I never really trusted you two. After all, you said you were British car enthusiasts, but you drove a new one--a NEW one! You just can't be considered a true aficionado unless you have some weird old car in your garage. Even if it doesn't run (they usually don't), it's enough just to have it and slowly work on it. New cars don't deliver that same sense of adventure ("What's going to break this time?") or humbling experience when being passed by Hondas and Toyotas.
Had I only known that deep down you were lusting after a truly classic LBC. With the arrival of your new (old) Healy I humbly apologize, and in an attempt to make amends I offer the experiences of thirty one years of LBC ownership to help soften the blow.
Air conditioning, power seats, automatic tops and transmissions, large trunks and effective heaters get in the way of the pure driving experience and are, of course, lacking in the true LBC. In their wisdom, the British manufacturers purposely kept the cars free of such embellishments lest they spoil the joy of the open road. This means however, that you're going to suffer. Unless you stick to driving in perfect weather and you can arrange to have the temperature remain at 24C, you're going to get cold/hot. Some say that it's not really a desire by the engineers to get the driver more involved with nature, rather it's their total inability to understand the concept of a heat exchanger. Oh they certainly put radiators and heater cores in the cars since everybody else did, but their hearts weren't really in it. The original designers where content to dissipate excess engine heat by having it operate one degree below that at which major engine damage would occur and shed the heat via the engine block and exhaust pipe. If you want to be warm when the temperature drops, leave off one of the firewall blanking panels into the passenger compartment. Along with the heat, this will acquaint you with another interesting LBC trait.
LBCs leak stuff--always. Engine oil leaking from the head gasket and oil pan is flung backwards to lubricate the transmission, driveshaft and differential. It also serves to rustproof the centre of the car. Oil leaking from the cam or rocker covers drips onto the exhaust manifold creating that oh-so-familiar smell. Oil and most other leaks can be tolerated, brake fluid loss should be investigated. One old trick is to wrap each brake line union with some toilet paper then go for a drive, using the brakes hard. This will leave a trail of oily toilet paper on the road enabling you to find your way home when the lights fail.
Oh, did I forget to mention the electrical systems? Lucas has built world renowned electrical components for aircraft for decades. Quality and reliability are finite quantities (unlike Internet porn or spam) so they take them from their automotive division to make sure the aircraft stuff works reasonably well. The only reason it's been tolerated for so many decades is out of National pride. When Triumph threatened to use Bosch components in the 70's, the factory was barricaded by incensed drivers who pelted it with brussel sprouts and pots of steak and kidney pie until the Triumph management relented. Always carry a flashlight (with Bosch bulbs and EverReady batteries). Sherrie can alternately illuminate the road and gauges as you drive home in the dark. Of course if the lights go it, the ignition system will probably be dead too. You can illuminate the buttons on Sherrie's cell phone as she calls the tow truck. Learn to pack light on road trips. This will mean a lot less stuff to carry onto the tow truck when it comes.
Buy a grease gun. No, NOT to grease the grease fittings! (what where you thinking?!) It has two REALLY important functions. When a brake piston seizes and refuses to budge no matter what, buy a couple of inexpensive fittings to adapt the end of the gun to the brake fitting. A few pumps of the handle will generate tremendous pressure and gently push the piston out (along with a huge glorp of grease). This is not nearly as much fun as using high pressure air and firing the piston at high speed across the garage and through a window but as I get older my appetite for 'fun' has waned. It's other function is to sit on top of the box with the Christmas decorations all year. When you crawl into the attic to retrieve the decorations you'll find that the residual pressure from the brake episode has v-e-r-y s-l-o-w-l-y oozed most of the grease out of the not-quite-tight-enough filler cap and it has seeped into the box during the year and ruined a pile of treasured Christmas keepsakes and family mementos. Okay, you're right, that's not really what a grease gun is for, I just didn't want to be the only one who'd done that.
Maintaining an LBC is not going to lessen your chances of breakdowns. There's some weird karma/higher order thing going on with them and working on the car is entirely for your benefit only. It makes no difference to the car. What DOES help is getting her nice presents. LBCs like it when you buy lots of tacky marque memorabilia. Healy pins, travel mugs, t-shirts, and golf towels will demonstrate your admiration for your baby and (hopefully) keep her a tad more reliable.
With all that being said, there is one huge benefit to your fine LBC--it will stroke your ego like nothing else. On the open road you get to enjoy the raspy throaty sound of the engine as it rises and falls. There is an immediacy to driving her unlike you get from a normal car. It's motoring at it's purest. In town you forget all that and get to show off! Pedestrians will ask about the car when you're stopped at lights. People on the sidewalks will whip out their cell phones as you drive by so that they can take a picture (...really!). Even as they pass you on the four lane they'll gawk and give you a thumbs up. You are so much cooler at 90KPH than they are (in their normal boring car) at 120. And THAT is probably the best reason to have an LBC, Ferraris or Vettes might be faster and flashier, but an MG, TR-6 or Healy is just so much cooler. People will hate a Porsche driver as he passes, but everyone will grin and wave when your LBC rolls by.
Happy motoring and may all your breakdowns happen within pushing distance of Ian's place!
Bob